As we discussed in the earlier installment of this series, it can be especially difficult for those with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) to make and maintain friendships. Challenges can range from social anxiety due to negative experiences in social settings as children, to discomfort with small talk, to distractibility in conversations, or fear of rejection-sensitive dysphoria.
In this second installment, we explore what to do after taking the steps outlined in the previous blog. At this point, you've identified an interesting activity that creates multiple opportunities for shared experiences with others, set realistic expectations, and practiced positive self-talk. You're ready to start—or continue!—spending time in social spaces, to see what feels like a good fit, who might be good to build connections with, and to start practicing the strategies you've learned. So, now what?
1. Make Showing Up a Priority: The process of making connections and building friendships starts by showing up consistently, which can be challenging for those of us with executive dysfunction! Here are some tips that can help:
Plan a day in advance to ensure your schedule allows for attendance on the day of the activity.
Give yourself plenty of extra time to get there. This leaves time for any issues with traffic or parking, or for anything that would be helpful to do to self-regulate before going inside (deep breathing, grounding, etc.).
Protect your energy. Don't schedule other challenging or time-consuming tasks on the same day as your social event. It can be easy to agree to more than one activity in a day, which can leave us without time to rest or reflect and can feel overwhelming. It's easier to back out of plans when we're already overwhelmed.
2. Reframe Small Talk: Many neurodivergent folks dislike small talk as it can feel boring, empty, or meaningless. Instead, think about small talk as a way for people to "feel each other out" before committing to more personal or meaningful topics. By engaging others in small talk, we get to show them what kind of listeners and communicators we are.
3. Consider Meeting Outside the Activity: Once you've attended a class or group a few times and had casual conversations with folks you've shared experiences with, consider inviting someone to meet outside the activity. This can be a short get-together—grab coffee and sit in the park, bring a snack to eat together before or after the class, or see a presenter at a local library. Having something to focus on together can help foster conversation and provide a common topic to discuss in the future.
4. Communicate About Communicating: At this point, connections are now emerging friendships! To continue fostering these connections, it may be helpful to communicate about how you communicate. For those of us with ADHD, we can't always change the fact that we have trouble remembering to return text messages, sometimes interrupt others when we're excited, or need to be moving around when talking. It can help those new to friendships with us to know that these behaviors are a reflection of our neurotype and not an indication of anything else. It can also help us feel more comfortable and give us permission to be more authentically ourselves.
While making and maintaining friendships can be challenging, those of us with ADHD can absolutely succeed. It may take learning new skills and encouraging ourselves to explore outside our comfort zone, but the payoff is building authentic and fulfilling connections, enriching our lives and, frankly, the lives of the people we befriend as well.
Comments