The Double Empathy Problem: Why Neurodivergent and Neurotypical Communication Clashes
Updated: Jul 21
The double empathy problem explains why communication between neurodivergent and neurotypical people can sometimes feel confusing or mismatched. If you've ever felt misunderstood in conversations, especially across different communication styles, you're not alone. Many people assume communication breakdowns come from one person, but research shows that misunderstanding is often mutual.
Understanding the double empathy problem can help shift conversations from frustration to clarity and connection. The double empathy problem refers to the mutual difficulty people experience when trying to understand others who think, communicate, or process the world differently.
What Is the Double Empathy Problem?
The double empathy problem, first introduced by autistic scholar Dr. Damian Milton in a 2012 paper, challenges the idea that communication "breakdowns" rest solely on neurodivergent individuals. Instead, it suggests that people with different ways of experiencing the world, whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, often find it hard to understand each other's perspectives, values, and communication styles. It isn't about deficits on one side. It's about a mismatch. Both parties bring rich insights, but their signals and interpretations don't always line up.
Milton's work was significant because it reframed decades of assumptions. For a long time, social differences were treated as something located inside the autistic person that needed correcting. The double empathy problem invites a different view: connection is a two-way street, and both people share responsibility for building the bridge across it.
The Empathy Gap Isn't Always Equal
One part of Milton's theory that often gets overlooked is that the empathy gap isn't experienced equally by both sides. Because neurotypical communication is the more common and expected way of relating, it tends to be treated as the "default" or "correct" way. As the National Autistic Society explains, this means neurodivergent people are usually the ones expected to adapt, translate, and learn the other group's communication style, while the reverse is rarely asked. In practice, many neurodivergent people become quite skilled at reading neurotypical norms out of necessity, often more skilled than neurotypical people are at reading theirs.
Naming this imbalance matters. As advocates at Reframing Autism note, recognizing the two-way nature of the gap helps move away from viewing one group's way of relating as superior. It also helps explain why so many neurodivergent people feel exhausted after social interaction, reframing that exhaustion as the result of doing extra, largely invisible work rather than any personal shortcoming.
Why the Double Empathy Problem Matters in Daily Life
When we don't feel understood, it can create frustration, loneliness, and even conflict. For neurodivergent folks, this might look like being read as too direct, aloof, or overly intense. For neurotypical folks, it might feel like their attempts at connection are missed or dismissed. Neither side is wrong. They're just using different roadmaps for connection. Recognizing this mutual disconnect helps move away from blame. It opens space for curiosity, compassion, and genuine relationship-building.
What the Double Empathy Problem Looks Like in Everyday Life
The theory can feel abstract until you see it in the small moments where it actually shows up. A few common examples:
Directness read as rudeness. A neurodivergent person says exactly what they mean to be clear and helpful, and it's received as blunt or cold, when clarity was the whole intention.
Missed hints. A neurotypical person communicates through implication or tone, expecting the other person to "read between the lines," and the message simply doesn't land because it was never stated directly.
The disclosure response. Someone shares that they're autistic or ADHD, and the reply is "oh, we're all a little on the spectrum." It's usually meant to reassure, but it can unintentionally minimize the person's actual experience.
Easier connection with each other. Many neurodivergent people notice that conversation flows more naturally with other neurodivergent people. This isn't just anecdotal. A widely cited 2020 study led by researcher Catherine Crompton found that information passed between autistic people was shared just as effectively as between neurotypical people, with breakdowns mainly appearing in mixed pairs. In other words, the difficulty tends to live in the mismatch, not in one person.
In each of these cases, the difficulty isn't a flaw in one person. It's the gap between two different ways of communicating.
Strategies for Clearer Communication Across Differences
Once you recognize that miscommunication is mutual, the next step is learning how to meet each other more clearly. These approaches can help create more understanding across different communication styles:
Name the Differences
Acknowledging that you and the other person might experience the world differently can reduce frustration. A simple "I might process this differently than you, can we slow down and check in?" creates room for mutual respect.
Ask, Don't Assume
Rather than guessing what the other person means, ask clarifying questions. For example:
"When you say X, what does that mean for you?"
"Would you like advice or just a listening ear right now?"
This helps both parties avoid unintentional missteps.
Be Explicit
Neurodivergent communication often values clarity and directness, while neurotypical communication sometimes relies more on nuance or implied meaning. Stating needs, preferences, or feelings openly, like "I need a break" or "I feel anxious about this plan," reduces the chance of misinterpretation.
Practice Shared Curiosity
Approach conversations with the mindset of learning each other's "communication language." This isn't about fixing anyone. It's about discovering how you connect best together.
Give Grace in Moments of Misunderstanding
Misunderstandings are normal. Pausing to repair, like saying "I think I misunderstood you, can we try again?", turns conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection.
Building Understanding, Not Perfection
These strategies aren't about "fixing" communication. They're about building shared understanding. When both people are willing to slow down, clarify, and stay curious, conversations can shift from frustrating to meaningful. The double empathy problem reminds us that differences are not deficits. When we honor different perspectives, we open the door to more authentic, flexible, and compassionate ways of connecting. At the core, relationships thrive when all people feel heard and respected. Importantly, this is shared work: bridging the gap isn't something neurodivergent people should have to do alone, and neurotypical people have just as much to learn and adjust.
You Don't Have to Navigate Communication Alone
You don't have to navigate communication differences on your own. If you often feel misunderstood or want to build stronger connection, therapy can help you build clarity, confidence, and stronger relationships. This work can be especially helpful for couples and families navigating different communication styles at home.
Common Questions About the Double Empathy Problem
What is the double empathy problem?
The double empathy problem, introduced by autistic researcher Dr. Damian Milton in 2012, describes the mutual difficulty that arises when neurodivergent and neurotypical people try to understand each other. Rather than locating the problem in one person, it frames miscommunication as a two-way mismatch in how each side experiences and expresses meaning.
Does the double empathy problem mean one person is at fault?
No. The theory specifically shifts away from blame. It proposes that misunderstanding runs in both directions, so neither the neurodivergent nor the neurotypical person is "communicating wrong." Both are using different, equally valid frameworks for connection that don't always line up.
What are examples of the double empathy problem?
Common examples include an autistic person being read as "blunt" when they're being clear, or a neurotypical person's hints being missed because they weren't stated directly. It also appears when someone responds to a diagnosis disclosure with "we're all a little on the spectrum," unintentionally dismissing the person's experience.
Who created the double empathy problem theory?
The concept was developed by Dr. Damian Milton, an autistic academic and researcher, in his 2012 paper published in the journal Disability & Society. His work challenged the long-standing assumption that social difficulties in autism stem solely from the autistic person.
Resources
Understanding the double empathy problem is intellectually clarifying, but building the actual communication skills to navigate those differences in real relationships takes consistent practice. A journaling practice focused on emotional vocabulary and self-expression builds those skills in a low-stakes, private space. The Speak Your Truth: Communication Journal for Adults gives neurodivergent adults 100 prompts to develop clearer self-expression, set better boundaries, and communicate with greater confidence in every relationship.
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Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only, is not a substitute for mental‑health treatment, and does not establish a therapist–client relationship. If you need personalized support, please consult a licensed mental‑health professional in your area. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (U.S.) or your local emergency number.
