Double Empathy Problem: When Communication Styles Clash
- Mema Mansouri
- Aug 1
- 3 min read
In our therapy practice, we often hear people describe feeling “misunderstood” in conversations across differences, especially when one person is neurodivergent and the other is neurotypical. Traditionally, much of the focus has been on how neurodivergent people can adapt to fit neurotypical expectations. But research and lived experience highlight a more balanced truth: miscommunication is mutual. This is called the Double Empathy Problem.
What is the Double Empathy Problem? The Double Empathy Problem, first introduced by autistic scholar Dr. Damian Milton, challenges the idea that communication “breakdowns” rest solely on neurodivergent individuals. Instead, it suggests that people with different ways of experiencing the world, whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, often struggle to understand each other’s perspectives, values, and communication styles.
It isn’t about deficits on one side. It’s about a mismatch. Both parties bring rich insights, but their signals and interpretations don’t always line up.
Why This Matters in Daily Life
When we don’t feel understood, it can create frustration, loneliness, and even conflict. For neurodivergent folks, this might look like being labeled as “too direct,” “aloof,” or “overly intense.” For neurotypical folks, it might feel like their attempts at connection are “missed” or “dismissed.” Neither side is wrong, they’re just using different roadmaps for connection.
Recognizing this mutual disconnect helps move away from blame. It opens space for curiosity, compassion, and genuine relationship-building.
Strategies for Clarity and Connection
While no strategy is one-size-fits-all, here are a few approaches that support clearer communication across differences:
1. Name the Differences - Acknowledging that you and the other person might experience the world differently can reduce frustration. A simple, “I might process this differently than you, can we slow down and check in?” creates room for mutual respect.
2. Ask, Don’t Assume - Rather than guessing what the other person means, ask clarifying questions. For example:
“When you say X, what does that mean for you?”
“Would you like advice or just a listening ear right now?”
This helps both parties avoid unintentional missteps.
3. Be Explicit - Neurodivergent communication often values clarity and directness, while neurotypical communication sometimes relies more on nuance or implied meaning. Stating needs, preferences, or feelings openly, “I need a break” or “I feel anxious about this plan”, reduces the chance of misinterpretation.
4. Practice Shared Curiosity - Approach conversations with the mindset of learning each other’s “communication language.” This isn’t about fixing anyone; it’s about discovering how you connect best together.
5. Give Grace in the Double Empathy Problem - Misunderstandings are normal. Pausing to repair, “I think I misunderstood you, can we try again?”, turns conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection.
The Double Empathy Problem reminds us that differences are not deficits. When we honor both neurodivergent and neurotypical perspectives, we uncover more creative, authentic, and compassionate ways of connecting. Many of our clients find that what once felt like a “barrier” can actually become a strength when understood through this lens.
Relationships thrive when all people feel heard and respected. By recognizing the Double Empathy Problem and leaning into strategies for clarity, we can transform communication clashes into opportunities for genuine understanding.
If you or a loved one are navigating these challenges, our therapists are here to support you. Together, we can create space where diverse ways of thinking and relating are not only accepted, but valued.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only, is not a substitute for mental‑health treatment, and does not establish a therapist–client relationship. If you need personalized support, please consult a licensed mental‑health professional in your area. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (U.S.) or your local emergency number.
