The Myth of the “Good Autistic” or “Good ADHD’er”

In a world that still measures worth by productivity, politeness, and predictability, many neurodivergent people, including those with ADHD and autism, find themselves chasing an impossible standard, the good autistic myth, that suggests worthiness depends on how closely one can appear to be “high-functioning” or “well-behaved.”

The “good autistic” is often portrayed as the person who makes eye contact, speaks fluently, and suppresses their stims. The “good ADHD’er” may appear to be the one who color-codes every planner, sits perfectly still in meetings, and works twice as hard to seem “on top of it.” These narratives don’t celebrate neurodiversity; they sanitize it. They send the quiet message that acceptance is conditional: you can belong, but only if you make everyone else comfortable first.

The Good Autistic Myth and the Pressure to Mask

At its core, the “good neurodivergent” myth is respectability politics in action. It teaches people that the closer they can appear to neurotypical norms, the more worthy they’ll be of respect, relationships, and opportunity. But this comes at a cost.

Masking, which can look like suppressing natural behaviors, forcing eye contact, mimicking speech patterns, or hiding sensory sensitivities, is often a survival skill in certain environments. Yet over time, it exacts a deep emotional toll. Research and lived experience alike show that chronic masking contributes to burnout, identity confusion, anxiety, and depression.

Many clients describe it as living in a costume that fits just well enough to pass, but not well enough to breathe.

The Healing Power of Authenticity

Healing begins when we remember that authenticity is not a flaw; it is medicine. Being fully yourself, even when that self doesn’t match the “good” version society expects, is an act of courage and self-respect.

In therapy, authenticity becomes the place where integration happens. When clients begin to explore what masking has cost them, and what they might reclaim by unmasking, even in small, safe ways, they often rediscover parts of themselves that were never broken, only waiting to be seen and welcomed home.

That might look like:

• Allowing your voice, movement, and expressions to sound and feel the way they naturally do.

• Setting boundaries around overstimulation or social exhaustion.

• Using tools or supports such as fidgets, noise-canceling headphones, or body doubling without apology.

• Asking for clarity or repetition instead of pretending to understand.

These are not signs of being “less than.” They are expressions of self-trust and self-honoring.

Affirmations for the Unmasking Journey

If you are beginning to peel back the layers of masking or performance, consider these reminders:

• My worth is not measured by how “normal” I appear.

• I do not need to earn rest, kindness, or belonging.

• Unmasking is not regression; it is recovery.

• My sensory needs, communication style, and passions are valid.

• I am not “too much” or “too sensitive.” I am attuned.

• Every time I honor my authentic self, I make space for healing.

There is no “good” or “bad” way to be autistic, ADHD, or any other form of neurodivergent. There is only your way, and that way deserves space, care, and respect. Therapy can be a place to unlearn the rules of respectability and reconnect with your authentic self, slowly, safely, and on your own terms. Healing is not about becoming more palatable; it is about becoming more you.

---

Disclaimer:  This blog is for educational purposes only, is not a substitute for mental‑health treatment, and does not establish a therapist–client relationship. If you need personalized support, please consult a licensed mental‑health professional in your area. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (U.S.) or your local emergency number.